Gross Archive

Al-qaeda In Iraq Announces New Leader. Or Do They?

In the wake of the sudden death of its now fragmented leader, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, Al-Qaeda in Iraq polled its somewhat shaken members about who would like to take over Mr. Zarqawi’s job. After a determined effort, the group was able to find a terrorist who, though expressing understandable reluctance, was eventually persuaded to accept the expectedly short-lived position.
The usual amateurish Webcast was quickly arranged, and the new leader, flanked by other terrorists wearing the standard-issue black head disguises, introduced himself, with visible knee shaking, as Abu Hamza al-Muhajer.
In the co-opted, overbearingly religious language that has become the worldwide standard in terrorist-speak, the new leader of Al-Qaeda in Iraq vowed to avenge al-Zarqawi’s death and vowed that he and the other “holy warriors” will continue with what they perceive as a holy war against their own slack populace and the people Al-Qaeda refers to with moronic medieval acumen as “the crusaders.”
“Don't let the joy of killing our Sheikh Abu Musab, may God bless his soul, fool you,” he stated, “for he left behind lions."
To prove his point, at that moment, he held up an uncooked shish-kabob and took a bite out of it. Chewing on the raw lamb meat, he continued: "He raised them by himself and they trained in his den. They believe in their ideology, and they fight only for God and in God and through God."
Apparently, the group had to reach far down into its ranks to locate another willing volunteer. Unfortunately, no one on the side of the infidels had ever heard of him, even the most erudite terrorist analyst.
A few days later, his identity was determined. After the announcement, his photo-ID poster was taken to a US firing range for target practice.
No comment was forthcoming until and a couple days later, when a terrorist of even less repute made a tape, claiming he is the rightful fellow who's picture should be on the firing range.
Whoever the new leader is, if apprehended alive, he will be sent for retraining in religious ideology to an enlightened mosque, if one can be located, wherein he will learn the disconcerting logic that if, as he and his ill-informed cohorts maintain, there is only one true God, even crusaders are the children of the same God, so such a God is unlikely to welcome them into the paradise they long for as a reward for their murderous activities but will far more likely present them with a more heated welcome and destination.

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