(In the Garden of Eden)
Eve: Adam, do you love me?
Adam: Who else?
Every day you go out, you see hundreds of attractive people. A hot-blooded male in his younger days may think, “I can go with her…or her… or her. Arrgh! How do I decide?” As a man grows older, if he is fortunate enough, he learns how to look beyond exterior beauty because all women are beautiful nowadays, aren’t they? So it can give a man one big headache to identify a woman who is truly compatible with him in mind, body, and soul. Women understand that men are born to think with their smaller heads. So being the intelligent creatures they are – they use visual stimulus to appeal to the male instinct. Thus a man, who does not make fine distinctions into character and personality, may find that many women appeal to him. But if he learns to go a step further and say, “Yes, she’s attractive to me. But what’s she all about?” Then he goes beyond seeing women as visual objects, and more as people.
*Desire is bad for you?*
The attraction between men and women is biological, it’s inherited and it’s unstoppable. You don’t need to make an excuse for your desire. One reason why we do not approach those who are attractive to us is because we are religiously and culturally programmed to believe desire is ‘baaaad’. A pious man who has the opportunity to meet an attractive woman may tell himself, “No! I must not give in to temptation! The desire is too strong!” But really, it’s just an excuse for himself because he’s afraid of rejection. And unless he can come to terms with his desire – see it as a guiding force, rather than an urge to be suppressed – he may never end up with a woman he truly wants. Members of the opposite sex, who are more genetically compatible with you, will spur a greater sense of desire in you. It’s natural. If you suppress the biological instinct when selecting a partner… you probably won’t have a happy sex life.
*Men and Women: Not So Different *
People like to believe that men and women are really different, but by nature they aren’t. We grow up imagining the opposite sex is some great mystery because everything about them seems different, and so we think it’s difficult to talk to the opposite sex. But really, men and women are very similar. They are anatomically different, but it’s not that big a difference. The human sexual organs are simply the inverse of each other. Penis and clitoris are made from the same embryological tissue. Male seeds hang outside (testicles), while female seeds are kept inside (ovaries). It’s just one big reversal. What forces the difference is the action of testosterone.
“Okay then,” you say. “What about the difference in the way men and women think? They don’t like the same things; they don’t talk the same, walk the same or wear the same clothes!” (Well… actually some do.)
Although men and women act differently, that’s not so much a biological instinct as it is a cultural role they are taught to play. Men don’t automatically love soccer, beer drinking, or going to the gym – they are culturally programmed to adopt these behaviours because it brings them greater social approval.
“A man who does not watch soccer is not ‘one of the boys’; a man who does not drink beer is not real man; a man who’s muscular earns the respect of his peers and is more attractive to women.”
These are beliefs so deeply ingrained into us that people might tell you it’s a fact, just like how women learn about the importance of being beautiful from magazines, television, and friends. What creates such a great difference in thinking and behaviour is not nature, but the enculturation of newborns into their gender roles. Blue for boys, pink for girls; toss the boys around, but be gentle with the girls. From young, everything about our culture teaches the sexes to differentiate themselves. From the clothes we wear to whether we can fart in public.
Being too focused on the exterior of a person, you only see the physical and cultural difference – the accessories and behaviours created to differentiate the sexes. But look past the surface and you’ll see that each person, male or female, is subject to the same laws of emotion, logic, reason, and motivation. They have wants and desires, dislikes and hates; they communicate through language; they have two eyes, one nose, one mouth, two ears, ten fingers and ten toes. They have much more in common than they do in difference. So it is a folly to believe it is difficult to relate to the opposite sex. Just talk to them as you would any casual person, and you’ll see that even the most attractive person is easy to chat with.
*Being Worthy*
Women will choose the men they want to be with. And if a guy doesn’t believe that, he might as well bury his head in the sand (hide from reality). A man should not worry about trying to ‘get a woman’ – she will choose the man she wants. What he should worry about, and it is his business to focus on this… is becoming the best that he can be – in mind, body, spirit; socially, financially, and emotionally. In raising his standard of himself, he will naturally attract the kind of woman he’s been looking for. Understand that these women are also looking for him, but not that old sloppy version of him, they want the new well-groomed, emotionally and financially secure, entertaining and warm-hearted man, where they can lie safely in his arms, protected from a harsh and crazy world. This makes women seem superficial, but understand that their biological instinct is to select a male who can protect, nurture, and entertain at the same time.
*Love is a commitment*
To sustain love, two people have to choose each other. If either partner defaults or is unsure, the whole relationship falls apart. It doesn’t matter how much you love the other person, if they do not return your love. This reminds me of those Chinese drama serials where they are so fond of saying, “Ai Qing Shi Bu Neng Mian Qiang De” – translated it means ‘you can’t force love’. And this will be the time when the male suitor will grip his head and cry, “Why! Why?!!” Then he has no alternative, but to drown his sorrows in drink, and maybe get knocked down by a truck. Then the girl will visit him in hospital, where with his dying breath he whispers his last words of undying love… then he dies.
A great love relationship is not something you find, but something you build and commit yourself to. There are tons of beautiful people in the world and many who will seem more attractive to you than your partner. To some people, the grass is always greener on the other side. So what do they do? They hop over to the neighbour’s lawn! But then the lawn doesn’t seem so green anymore… but it looks like there’s a greener one next door, so they hop again! They do their partner hopping, dating and exchanging, in search of the greenest lawn, but they’ll never find it because a beautiful relationship, like a beautiful garden, must be tended to and cared for. You can have ‘happily forever after’ with the girl you choose, but you must commit yourself to it. Without commitment, nothing lasts.
*An Uncommitted Partner*
Sometimes you might find that although you are ready to commit, your partner doesn’t seem to want to settle. Women have commitment problems too, you know? She may be on the lookout for the ideal guy who can fulfil her whims and fantasies… some idealistic vision of what a man should be. What you can do in this case, is not to give up hope yet, but put your full effort into convincing her you’re the man of her dreams. Pull out your Ferrari, your 5Cs, your love potion – everything and anything. If all else fails, then step back and realize that she has her own dreams and ideals. And as a man who still cares for her, the best you can do is allow her to follow her dreams. Gracefully step aside and wish her well. The right girl will come along for you one day.
If you want to find an ideal partner, you first have to be an ideal partner. A man does not have to worry about chasing women if he’s focused on being the best he can be. By turning himself into an attractor rather than an attacker, he lifts himself above the neediness and hunger most men portray. Women are naturally attracted to him because he fulfils what they want in a man. He’s not afraid to talk to women because he sees them as people rather than sexual objects. When he feels a woman fits his ideal, he chases her with everything he’s got. If she loves him and will commit to him, they stay together. If she wants someone else, he lets her go and carries on with his life knowing that he’s doing what’s best for both of them. The best partner is not one you win over, but one who chooses you and loves you with all her heart. Remember that.
