Waking up the morning of June first 1999 seven days before my wife Tonya’s 27th birthday was pretty much like any other morning. I was still a little bit tired because I had stayed up late the night before. But all in all it started out ok. Little did I know the events that were to occur later that day would affect my life forever?
Now before I go any farther let me explain a little bit about my wife. Tonya was a young woman of 26 years old. She had Struggled for quite some time with Alcoholism, Drug addiction, depression, and a mental disorder known as schizoaffective disorder that was well on its way to becoming full blown Schizophrenia.
In case you are unfamiliar with schizoaffective disorder. The most prevalent features are depression, delusions and hallucinations.
Tonya was doing wonderful though, she was taking her medication and was episode free for quite some time. She had even managed to stay drink and drug free for eight months. But that morning shortly after breakfast all that changed.
I had just cleared the table and went in to the bedroom to fine Tonya sitting on the bed shaking and crying, in a panic.
I asked her what was wrong. Her reply made my heart sink and just plane freaked me out.
She replied, “I am Dead.” Rather shocked from her answer I asked, what are you talking about. She didn’t seem to understand my question and continued. “I’m dead and so is my father and they put my back together using his body parts.”
I realized then what was happening. She was having a hallucination. She had become delusional.
I sat down on the bed next to her and took her hand and assured her that she was very much alive and so was her father.
“Oh can we go see him?” She asked wanting proof that in fact her father was not dead.
Wanting desperately to bring some reality back to her I agreed and off to her parents house we went.
Well Tonya’s parents are big racing fans and as it turned out, her Mother and Father had left for the weekend to go to an automobile race. So when we arrived at their home they were not there. This just confirmed in Tonya’s mind that what her delusions were telling her were true. She was more frantic then ever.
I had been through this before with Tonya but never this bad. But I knew that in time it would subside… I hope anyway.
With nothing to do but wait it out and see what was coming next I decided to return to our apartment.
As we were driving towards home Tonya started to come back to reality and gain a bit of composure. This was great for the brief moment it lasted.
No sooner had she started to come back to reality when she blurted out, “I need a drink!”
“Please get me some wine coolers?”
“O.M.G!” What now? Tonya had not had a drop of alcohol for 8 months and now she was demanding a drink.
Knowing what I had already gone through with her past drinking and with the events of that morning. I was quite up set with the thought of her starting to drink again.
“NO!” I will not buy you any wine coolers. You haven’t had a drink in 8 months I’m not going to be the one to help you get started again now. I told her.
Of course this just started a big argument. She wanted wine coolers and she was not going to take no for an answer. One thing about Tonya is that if she wanted something she would be relentless and hound you until she got her way. So we argued the rest of the way home.
It was getting close to the time I had to leave to go to a doctor appointment I had scheduled at noon and Tonya was still hounding me.
“Enough!” I broke and went to the store and bought her the damned wine coolers.
Tonya must have chugged the whole 4 pack because within 15 minuets she was back in my face demanding that I go back to the store and get her more wine coolers.
I all but lost it. I don’t know when I had felt that mad in quite some time. Having to go to my appointment anyway I stomped out in anger. As I slammed the door behind me I raised my hands up to the sky and shouted. “God Take This Woman Away From Me!” And went on to my doctor appointment.
I was at the doctor’s office for the rest of the afternoon. I got home around 5:00 that evening to find the apartment empty. Tonya Was gone and she didn’t leave a note as to where she had gone.
Time went by and Tonya had not come home. So I began to worry a bit. I called around to hospitals and the police. No one had seen nor heard about her. It began to get really late and Still Tonya was not home. By this time worry swelled to panic, I jumped into the car and drove all over town looking for her but she was no ware to be found.
The rest of that night was spent driving and looking or on the phone to hospitals or the police still no sign of Tonya.
The thing is, I knew something had to be wrong. Because despite her obvious faults Tonya loved me and would have never stayed away from home all night with out at least calling. Many times in the past it had gotten late and she would call and say “Honey can you come get me.” And I would.
“But not this time.”
It was about 7:30 Am the morning of the first. I must have dozed off for a few moments. Waking up I searched the room for any sign that Tonya had come home. Nope she was still M.I.A. I had to get up and get on the road. I promised my oldest son that I would teach him how to spray paint the door to my car. I was restoring a Chevy Beretta GTZ and I told him he could help me with it.
Still worried about Tonya I went to pick him up.
We got back to my apartment around 8:30am. As I pulled up in to the parking lot were I was going to perform my auto body masterpiece. One of the men that worked down stares from my apartment came rushing up to tell me. “There is a detective from the police department in my shop looking for you.”
At that moment my heart sank and began to race all at the same time. Half of me hoped that they had found Tonya safe and sound. While the other half just knew that something terrible had happened.
Hesitantly I hurried to the shop down stares from my apartment to meet the detective. At the door a man in a blue suit, black shoes and a two-dollar haircut asked, “Are you Michael Walrath?” “Yes.” I answered. Before I could add anything else he responded. “This is about Tonya.” Then ask me if I would join him in his car.
Once in the car the detective told me the bad news… “Tonya is dead!” It rang out like a gun shot that hat hit me right between the eyes… “Tonya Is Dead!” Some ware deep in side of me I already knew it but that was no consolation. My wife was gone. The woman that I love was gone. The woman that I had been so angry with the day before was gone.
If you could only realize the hurt, panic, sorrow, and guilt I felt at that moment. After all I did leave in a state of rage. I did raise my hands to the air and shout to God. “Please Take This Woman Away From Me!” I did leave not even saying goodbye or telling her that I love her. She Was Gone!
I won’t go into detail of what happened to her here. I will just say that it was not from natural causes nor by her own hand, and it was very brutal.
No I don’t blame God. I also don’t blame myself. And Of course I certainly don’t blame Tonya.
It was not Tonya’s fault that she had a disease. And God has no fault. God searches our harts and he will give us what truly resides with in. As far as my self though even though I know I am not to blame. A part of me knows that if I had been able to pray to God with an understanding of prayer and how to communicate what was in my heart long before this tragedy had ever happen it might not have went down like it did.
This sad but true story has many morals. One could be never leave a loved one in anger with out telling them you love them. There are many more you could derive from this tale. But the one that I am here to stress is, learn to speak to God. Talk to him every day. Tell him what is in your heart and on you mind. Ask him to help and guide you, to give you strength and wisdom. But the most important thing is Never Ask God For Something That You Are Not Ready To Receive.
