Much to the dismay of his millions of fans, the film icon has renounced scientology and become a Moslem Fundamentalist.
Troubled by his apparently self-destructive behavior, we were able to arrange an interview.
NewsLaugh: You seem to be behaving in rather odd ways lately, Tom. What’s behind it all?
Cruise: You have no idea what it’s like to suddenly find yourself the most popular movie star in the world when you can’t possibly see any reason you’d reach such a pinnacle. So what happens is you get this really subliminal desire to take yourself down.
NewsLaugh: Oh, so that’s why you’ve been acting like a jackass?
Cruise: Exactly! I don’t feel I deserve the celebrity, so I’m trying to destroy my career any way I can.
NewsLaugh: Actually, you’re doing an outstanding job.
Cruise: Well, you know, whatever it takes. At first I tried just jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch and acting crazy in love. But, come on, that was way too sweet to do the kind of damage I was hoping to do.
NewsLaugh: So you began to emphasize your strong belief in scientology?
Cruise: Well, came out about it in the most offensive ways I could think of.
NewsLaugh (pointing to his new beard and white turban): Why the Islamic Fundamentalist turn?
Cruise: Glad you asked. My new picture, Mission Impossible III, opened at $34 million. Of course, it was projected to open at $45 mil., but $34 mil. is still way more than I deserve. So I decided I had to do something really radical to finish off my career.
NewsLaugh: You’re certainly chose effectively. It would be hard to imagine anything that would alienate more fans.
Cruise: So isn’t it great? I’m only holding back on one thing. Notice the white turban?
NewsLaugh: It’s a little hard to miss.
Cruise: Right. I picked it because, as you know, the good buys always wear a white hat. I don’t plan to switch to black unless I see that I still have some box-office appeal.
NewsLaugh: Why can’t you just get back to being the nice, excitable guy you appeared to be in films like Jerry McGuire? That's obviously what your fans want.
Cruise: You really think so?
NewsLaugh: Of course. Is that how they came to know and love you?
Cruise: But, given my present state of mind, how can I possibly do that?
NewsLaugh: True. Hey, just a suggestion, but maybe you should examine your present state of mind.
Cruise: You think so? Well, first let's see how the beard and turban thing work out.