Bush Reveals New Missile Defense; Guides Weapon Back To Launching Pad

Rest easy, America, even when you contemplate the abbreviated flight of North Korea’s errant but someday, they hope, long-range Taepodong 2 missile – a name that, should the nation ever decide to enter the capitalist hustings, doesn’t sound like a very promising appellation for a new car.
In the wake of the miscalculated launch of seven missiles by North Korea, including a Taepodong 2, President Bush told reporter Larry Wing in an exclusive interview, “We’ve got a missile defense system that will defend our country. We don’t just shoot down the enemy missile. We guide it back to where it came from. So anybody who launches a missile at the United States of America better clear out, because soon it’ll be on the way back at them, point first.”
The revelation of the innovative missile defense system stunned Mr. Wing. “I thought we were still trying to perfect the star wars system initiated by President Reagan, where, if we’re lucky, we can at least shoot down an enemy missile. But guide it back to the launching pad? This is the first time I’ve heard of it.”
“Well, Larry, as you know, I’m the President, and as such I get to hear about things like this even before a fine and flattering reporter like you does.”
“I’ll say,” Larry Wing commented. “Mind if I ask how it works?”
“I don’t have a clue,” Bush said, “but the military has assured me that we’ve got the capability.”
“When was work on this new missile defense launched?” Mr. Wing queried.
“Actually, I get all the credit,” Bush said.
“How’s that?” Mr. Wing asked, startled. “I didn’t know you’re a missile defense kind of guy.”
“I’m not, technically speaking. But I was spending so much money in Iraq one of our more reflective missile techs got to thinking, why just blow a missile up in the middle of the air and waste all that explosive power. Think of the money we’d save if we could just turn the payload around and send it back at the enemy. Once he had the idea, I understand he was able to devise the joystick program to guide it in less than five minutes.”
“Really? And how reliable is this new system?”
“All I can tell you is, developing missiles is not the way for anymore counties to go. They’re wasting their time and, in light of our new missile defense, they’re actually, in you think about it, indirectly aiming their missiles smack dab at themselves. Now, that’s what I call a deterrent.”
“I’ll say,” Mr. Wing replied. “I wonder how North Korea and Iran will respond to this news?”
“I think they’ll take notice,” he said. “And anything that makes America safer is something I’m for, especially when it also saves on the cost of TNT or enriched uranium. The only more economical thing I can think of would be to guide the missile to one of our air force bases for a soft landing, so we could just point it back at the enemy for future use. If one of our technical boys figures out a way, I’ll get credit for that idea, too, because right now is the first time I thought of it. And you’re my witness, right?”
“Yes, sir,” Larry agreed. “Wow, with an innovative president like you in the Oval Office, I sleep a lot better at night.”
“Thank you. Frankly, I’m awake all night. But I do spend a good deal of time sleeping during the day.”
With that, his eyes glazed over and then dropped shut.
“Mr. President?” Wing asked. “Oh, Mr. President?”
But the Pres did not stir.
So Mr. Wing turned to the camera and said, “I guess that’s it, folks. I can interview anyone, but even I have a tough time when my guest conks out.”