Copyright 2006 David Steele
As I had my morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column caught my eye. A reader wrote in with a dating dilemma and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women use sex to get love, and men use love to get sex." This is a great summation of the "Sex Trap."
For singles who fall into the Sex Trap, having sex carries immense meaning and consequences.
Singles fall into the Sex Trap in one (or both) of two ways:
A. they believe sex is a necessary test of compatibility, (if the sex is good then the relationship will be good as well)
B. more commonly, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both formerly level-headed singles consider themselves a committed couple as soon as they have sex.
So, rather than looking at whether this other person might be a match on levels other than physical attraction — such as long-term requirements, needs, and wants — they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
Chemicals and Chemistry
No doubt, it can be challenging to keep in touch with reality when all those hormones are running wild. Our body reacts to someone we are attracted to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural mood enhancers), and testosterone (increases sexual desire), which makes the opportunity to have sex with someone we are attracted to extremely hard to resist. Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce emotions), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chemical reactions are involuntary and strong, leading to powerful feelings of attraction, excitement, love, closeness, and well-being.
But when problems arise, those who fall into the Sex Trap often rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got problems, but the sex is great!" They most likely wouldn't admit it, but they prioritize physical intimacy and regard the rest as optional. Their main tool for making a partner choice is sexual attraction and physical compatibility.
A Guy Thing?
Barry North, a relationship coach who works primarily with gay men, says that many of his clients have fallen into the Sex Trap.
"For gay men especially in metropolitan areas, sex is readily available, and that in itself is a trap," North says. "In addition, the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, encourages sexual activity. Many gay men want to find out from the beginning if a potential partner is going to be sexually compatible. Why waste your time if the sex isn't going to be good?"
Nonetheless, North adds, "I suspect this is a 'guy' thing rather than a 'gay' thing."
I do want to point out that chemistry is important. Yet, chemistry is a given that we can't control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it must be there for the partnership to work. If not there, we can't "make" chemistry happen, though sometimes it can grow over time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry risk relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication wears off and reality hits.
For Conscious Dating: Combine Chemistry with Common Sense
To avoid the Sex Trap, you must balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means combining chemistry with common sense. While good sex is important for a sustainable relationship, you need to make your partner choices by paying full attention to your vision, values, goals and requirements — while feeling all those exciting sparks!
More Post
New Medicines Available To Treat Rare Diseases
Music now we learn also on-line
Give A Heart Necklace This Holiday
Cure your Baldness & Alopecia the Natural Way (Chinese Herbs)
Teach Courses Online
Facts About Spirulina- Worlds Most Powerful Food
School Fundraiser Niche - Valentines Day
Hair Loss: Cosmetic Solutions For Good Cover Up
Dating Blindly
Sun Tanning Protects The Skin
Thay Call It "Dog Breath" For A Reason
Using Magnets To Fight The Pain
A Note From Saint Valentine - A First Person Tale Of This Wonderful Day
Spitting Up – And Other Joys Of Motherhood
Las Vegas: How to Ensure Your Vacation is Full of Adventure and Kicks
Is Self-Esteem Contrary to Christianity
What Educational Toys Do Kids Actually Enjoy Playing With?
MLM Success | Relationships in Two Minutes Flat
Are vent free gas fireplaces safe?
Domestic Violence Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde