and I have been depressed all my life. My self esteem makes
me think I in no way measure up to others. I wonder if maybe I am too
tall, overweight, clumsy, don't wear the right clothes, people
hate me, people think I am a bum. Those are all of the things I am
thinking when I go out in the world. I feel I am under constant
scrutiny.
I have been trying something different lately and
sometimes it works. I have been trying not to look at people
to see if they are looking at me. Now I realize that if I go through
life with my head down or with blinders on, people may look
at me even more.
What works for me(sometimes) is to focus on
other things. We are all people watchers but I try to limit it
to watching people at a distance. At closer range I try to
focus on something else like the scenery, be it trees, buildings
or the traffic light (when I am waiting to cross the street).
It is very discouraging and heartbreaking when we don't feel
like we are just as good as other people.
On bad days when I try to get out and do something such as go to the store or ride my bike, I soon feel the need to get back to my appartment. Sometimes I cover the windows with my draped afgans and hybernate.
It feels almost like my identity is being absorbed when I am out and about. It takes a long while to feel better after I've returned home. It's a terrible feeling which I am sure
many people have.....low self esteem which can go even lower when around people. It seems like a loss of my self that leaves my physique grasping at anything just to feel better. I
will smoke more, eat a lot more, and be very restless.
I try to keep busy and also try to sleep as much as I can. It really does feel as if "I" don't exist.
When you are depressed it is so hard to keep yourself motivated and get out of bed. When you wake up you just lay there. You try to enjoy your coffee when you do get up and not just need it.
The last few days I have tried to do at least something such as wash clothes one day and dishes the next. The important thing is that I give myself credit for what I do, no matter how little it is.
I think I have motivated myself to get out of my apartment today and do some walking (I picked the coldest day of the year so far. ha! ha!)
When we are feeling like this, it is our struggle and no one else's. Our self esteem is low, our confidence is low, and we feel lost. We are in control of what we actually do accomplish. Yes, a pat on the back is in order, even if all I do today is wash my dishes.
