Like most interactive situations that we come across in our everyday life, women too appear with their defense shield intact. They are “on guard” most of the time. But to reach her heart (hmmm… other areas too), you have to break that shield or loosen that defense mechanism.
So what are the typical concern areas of a woman? Why does she pull up her defenses? To begin with, there are two primary areas where she finds herself vulnerable. One, her physical safety and the other her mind. There does exist a concept called “mental rape” as well, you know.
But then, defense mechanisms are all but natural in humans as a race. We protect our identities, we protect our bodies and our minds from external assaults by drawing up defenses. Not necessarily with armors and battle gears, but we do that with our ego states too! Think of a typical business deal, where at times, more than one player battles against the other, all with their superior or inferior ego states. (For reference, I suggest you read the book “Games People Play” by Eric Berne).
One guy makes a comment from his ego state to another who is in another ego state. The receiver of the comment interprets it as a harsh criticism, because he has viewed it from his own ego state and so on. Situation escalates further and as it happens most of the time, a verbal battle is launched.
Now, does it not sound familiar? It happens in man-woman relationships too!
There is a way to solve this however; one of the best ways that I have come across is to start looking at any situation from the other person’s point of view. It’s all the perspective, as they say. Learn to put your ego aside for a few minutes, or hours, and see the other side of the coin.
This is one of the most difficult tasks; let me tell you, for the simple reason, which you now have to work on and review your own sense of self-esteem (or, your own ego state, which could have stayed inflated all these years!). This is the only way you can relinquish your full-time desire to “impress” others and change the stance of “I’m OK, others not OK”. It is not easy, but probably the only way to minimize inter-personal personality clashes, romantic or otherwise.
You can then see the rationale of the other person’s behavior and be able to answer many “whys” with “why not’s”, thereby avoiding many confrontational and hurtful relationships. No, you can’t solve all the problems in life with this stance, but at least, you will be regarded and respected as a more understanding human.
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