The Influence of Early Relationships
Our earliest relationships create blueprints for all of our future relationships. These early experiences in relationships create the lens through which we view others. Every interaction that we have with another individual is influenced by our own personal past experiences. John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, espoused that the first three years of our lives establish the blueprints for all of our future relationships. Upon reflecting at the differences between my sister’s earliest relationship blueprints and my own, it is not difficult to determine that at even such an early age, she was already imprinted on a physiologic level to view human relationships as not safe. When we consider trauma in the lives of children it is important to realize that the majority of traumatic experiences occurring in their lives typically involves some aspect of human relationship. If a child has been abused, battered, or neglected by the individual that is supposed to love her most, then what would make subsequent relationships appear any safer? From infancy to adulthood my sister and parents struggled to be attached. The legendary attachment pediatricians, Marshall Klaus and John Kennel, inform us that attachment is the behavior of the child to the parent, and bonding is the behavior of the parent to the child. In the mental health profession, we have fostered an imbalance of influence. A child cannot develop attachment with a parent struggling to bond. Thus, unwittingly, an almost impossible task was set in motion between my sister and my parents. Regardless of the trauma issues that my sister carried into the family, my own parents equally brought their own. As you can imagine, the family experience, the experience I refer to as the ‘secret life of the family’ was not very attractive.
The Role of Stress in A Child's Life
Stress is a very natural and necessary aspect of who we are. We need stress just to live, but when stress becomes overwhelming or is not interrupted, it can damage not only family relationships, but it can also damage the brain. Looking back now I realize that I excelled socially, academically, and athletically. Internally, I struggled to live in a world I viewed as overwhelming. To compensate I lied, stole, cheated, manipulated, set fires, killed animals, and occasionally bullied other children. Because I was intelligent, many of the adults never had a clue. My sister, on the other hand, struggled both internally and externally. Externally, she failed socially, academically and athletically. There were frequent fights at home brought about by what my parents had learned discipline was to be like for all children. They didn’t understand that this child was different. They took it personally having a withdrawn and immature child who preferred playing with children far younger than herself. It wasn’t their fault or hers. Her only means of communicating her anxiety and depression was through behavior. Such communication repelled most and led to relationships being based in fear and rejection. My parents, with hopes of having the family they had dreamed of, felt insecure, hopeless, and overwhelmed by the task at hand. These children were difficult; at least one of them was anyway. And the other had his moments, but so much less frequently they thought. Our family lived and struggled each day. My sister continues to struggle, continue to live out those early blueprints and recurring negative relationships. I continue to struggle, yet have been able to put life into perspective, not by any personal remarkable efforts, but by having more positive relationships than negative ones. As my mother says, “We just didn’t understand.”
Copyright© 2006 Dr. Bryan Post. All rights reserved.