Porn (and every book, movie, and TV show) teaches us that sex starts with frantic undressing and ends with an orgasm. All within the span of about 5 minutes, give or take. The majority of these portrayals do a disservice by leaving out all of the in-between parts—the romantic kissing, awkwardly getting your arms stuck in your shirt, dirty talk—that add up to make sex a sublimely intimate experience, one that lasts a whole lot longer than what the average sex scene would suggest. The result is that we’re all convinced making our partner come is the entire point of sex, and it doesn’t need to be.
With everyone so focused on the finish line, all the other extremely enjoyable elements of sex are de-prioritized as a result. And if one person hasn't orgasmed by the end of a sexy session, the other person often takes it personally: a reflection of their inability to satisfy their partner.
When this happens, it puts even more pressure on the partner to come the next time, to save the other from person feeling further disappointment. And, as we all know, nothing ruins faster than being self-conscious about one's sexual performance. This pattern creates a terrible cycle in which no one is really getting what they want.
Now, before you get the wrong idea, of course everyone deserves to have a fantastic orgasm during sex. If the world was a perfect sex utopia, we’d all come every time from different kinds of sexy activities and our bodies would always cooperate. But that is not the universe we live in.
Only about one quarter of women consistently orgasm during sex. But it’s not just women: Erectile dysfunction is on the rise among young guys. And, because male orgasms aren't seen as difficult to achieve as female ones are, sex seems especially "unsuccessful" when men don't come. All this pressure is quite stressful, and we’re already more stressed than ever. Stress, you guessed it, makes coming harder for both men and women.
So here’s an idea: Instead of making leg-shaking orgasms the ultimate endgame of sex, make pleasure the goal. “Pleasure” is a somewhat cringe-y word, so maybe don’t tell your partner out loud, “Hey, I’m going to focus on pleasure tonight,” because that’s a tad awkward.
Focus on being intimate with and enjoying each other—that's what sex is really about. Obviously coming is good, so don’t suddenly stop putting in effort to get your partner off. Just don’t make it the sine qua non of sex.
There's plenty of ways to have great sex that don't rely on both of you coming every single time. Here are a few ideas for what that might look like.
Foreplay isn't part of the previews—it's the main act.
Sure, there are a handful of occasions that don't call for foreplay—namely quickies and hot, angry, make-up sex—but the lion’s share of sex requires it. Depending on the situation. But foreplay goes a long way to give you and your partner a mind blowing sex.
Communication reduces awkwardness.
Sex is an awkward endeavor. Unlike what almost every sex scene would like us to believe, there are thousands of small, inconvenient, or uncomfortable moments in between all the feel-good parts of getting laid. Learning how to navigate this weirdness with grace is part of being a mature adult who is good at sex.
Talking about sex can also be awkward. But you've got to get out of your comfort zone and ask about how she comes. Don’t say, “I want to make you come so bad.” That’s just increasing the pressure. Instead ask, “What would feel good?” or “What do you want?” Give them space to express their needs. It might work or it might not, but allowing them to direct the show will be more effective than your guesswork.
Orgasm parity is a nice goal—but not the only positive outcome.
Just because one person’s gotten off doesn’t mean that sex is over, nor does it mean you need to pester your partner all night until they come (or fake it). If you’ve been going at it for a while with no end in sight, it can be helpful to ask—in a kind, respectful way—“Do you want to keep going?” Some women are never going to come while sleeping with you. Some can come just from contracting their abs the right way. Focus on having a good time with someone, rather than “giving” someone an orgasm. Ironically, not focusing on coming often helps people relax and enjoy themselves enough to have one of those leg-shaking orgasms we keep talking about.
Don't forget after-care!
As we established, orgasms shouldn't be the end-all, be-all qualifier of good sex. But when they do happen, there's no reason sex needs to stop then and there. That just reinforces the idea that the point of sex is to come. Hold your partner afterwards. Touch them. Kiss them. Again, ask what they want to do next. Don’t just roll over and fall asleep with one hand kind of lingering by their thigh because you’re too hot to actually cuddle.
